You Might Have A Chunky Baby If…

Lover of rubber band wrists? Squishy cheeks? Chubby toes? Thigh rolls on rolls on rolls? Then… you might have a chunky baby.

Hi, my name is Kaitlin, and I just LOVE me a chunky baby.

As a mom of not one, but TWO baby Buddhas, I’m obviously biased. Neither of my girls started out big… (whew!) but as some of you may already know… I also didn’t carry them to term. My eldest was 5’11 and my youngest was 7’3, but they arrived at 4.5 weeks and 2 weeks early, respectively. One of the biggest gifts I received during pregnancy was that they didn’t bake any longer than they had to; for those few extra pounds might have did me in.

[ReviewDisclaimer]

Now, one of the biggest gifts I received in their infancy is that they almost immediately grew into the delicious little chunks of love that burn so fiercely in my heart, today. I like to say they were so big because a tiny body couldn’t hold all that personality. 😉

My girls were/are often described to me as “healthy.” (My full-bodied two-year-old actually still fully embodies that adjective.) I LOVE IT!

They ARE happy and healthy, and I’m so blessed they’re mine.

I’m not sure I could phrase it any better than this.

PHOTO CRED: www.brittanyblakephotography.com

DISCLAIMER: Okay before I get hate-mail about body-shaming… this post is not intended to be insensitive. I would gladly enter the Gladiator fighting pits against anyone who said something disparaging about the size of my girls at ANY stage… so let’s just take this light-hearted piece for what it is and celebrate our healthy babies of all sizes.

Anyway, back to “chunk.”

I’m not talking about the average baby leg roll here. I’m talking about the kind of cushion that brings total strangers to a full pause in the grocery store, drop their milk, and tell you they need to squeeze your baby’s cheeks ASAP or they’ll surely die of a broken heart.

SO if this sounds like it could be you and your horizontally-gifted child, I call this… “You might have a chunky baby if…”

1.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve had to dig food out of the neck roll that resides underneath the visible neck roll… much like a tiny hoarding hermit crab.

If you aren’t familiar with secondary-neck-roll anatomy… this probably ain’t your baby we’re talking about.

Now more obviously…

2.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You have an A+ eater.

I’m not saying my kid is better than yours… but she did eat 2 loaves of bread and an entire plate of calamari in one sitting at 9 months old… so, uh… where can I get a bumper sticker for that?

3.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve ever been more worried about the baby eating the dog food than the dog eating the baby food.

…that awkward moment when you say, “Bad girl!”

4.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Your baby has been described in the same manner in which you would desire structural foundation.

“Oh, she’s solid!” “No knocking that one down!”

5.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve received complimentary – and also creepy – comments about your milk supply’s effect on your baby’s weight.

“Go milk mama!” (Aw thanks, boo!) “Oh man, you ain’t serving up skim.” (Thanks??)

6.) You might have a chunky baby if…. They’re not learning to crawl or walk as quickly as their more… “condense” comrades.

Yeah, those legs may LOOK supportive… but in reality they’re as sturdy as a teepee in a tornado.

7.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Zippered footed onesies are a no-go.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Go straight to unsuspecting baby fat roll deathtrap.

8.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve had to forcibly remove socks for fear of cutting off your babies’ cankle circulation.

Really hope that didn’t also leave emotional scars…

9.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You tried to squeeze your 9-month-old into 9-month jeggings like a stuffed summer sausage, and inevitably, strained the very fibers of her jeans so thin you offered to buy them a beer like they were a co-worker after a long day at the office…

And that’s all I have to say about that.

As such…

10.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Your titan tot has never worn the size of clothing that matches their age.

If you haven’t put your 20 month old into 3T pants… this definitely ain’t your baby we’re talking about.

11.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve ever had to use a PAIR OF SCISSORS TO CUT YOUR BABY OUT OF AN ITEM OF CLOTHING.

 We both need therapy after that one. The baby is fine; I meant me and the shirt.

12.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Your baby’s weight percentile is two digits, starting with a “9.”

Need I say more?

13.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Your baby’s drop in weight percentile concerns… NO ONE.

Oh great, she went from 96% to 93%… that’s still an A!

14.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Major sicknesses in your rotund little rascal do NOT concern medical professionals.

Actual words from our pediatrician regarding contracting the flu: “Even if she threw up, a lot, she should stay… well-sustained.” (Hahahaha.) 

15.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve ever UNDER-dosed your baby on medicine and wondered why it wasn’t working…

…because there’s a BIG weight difference in the 2-year-old Infant Tylenol thinks you have… and the 2-year-old YOU ACTUALLY HAVE.

16.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Your baby has more thigh dimples than you do.

And they’re WAY cuter.

17.) You might have a chunky baby if…. A perfect stranger has glanced from your baby… to you… to your husband… and then quietly contemplated your genetics.

 Yeah, dawg. I made that. 😉

18.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Another shameless stranger ACTUALLY questions you about your baby’s weight.

 Oh Carol… you gonn’ learn TODAY! @#&^$!

19.) You might have a chunky baby if…. Pictures of your baby with other babies of a similar age are a little something like this.

20.) You might have a chunky baby if…. If you’ve ever picked up a friend’s similarly-aged child and nearly performed an Olympic discus-toss to the moon.

“Oh man, I could throw this kid FAR!!!” …is a thought that has never crossed my mind. 😉

21.) You might have a chunky baby if…. If you’ve ever seen the look of utter fear in a mother’s eyes when your behemoth babe runs towards her petite, unsuspecting child in a Kool-Aid-Man like manner.

 Cool it Carol, she’s not going to eat her! I don’t think…

22.) You might have a chunky baby if…. If you’ve recorded them running in slo-mo… and it’s glorious.

 (SPOILER ALERT: It’s like Baywatch… but everywhere.)

23.) You might have a chunky baby if…. If you struggle just a little bit more than your other mom friends when pushing a stroller.

 “Are my tires deflated?” “Is something stuck in the spoke?” “Why’s everyone going so fast?” “Oh Jesus take the wheel, IS THAT A HILL?!”

24.) You might have a chunky baby if…. If the baby weight comes off pretty quick, because you’re toting around ¼ of your body weight at all times.

 Sun’s out, gun’s out!

25.) You might have a chunky baby if…. If aforementioned “toting” requires a massage, ASAP.

 Or lifetime visits to the chiropractor. Tomato, To-maht-o.

26.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You instinctively warn others to lift with their legs before holding your child.

You haven’t lived if you haven’t witnessed their facial expression the EXACT MOMENT they actually absorb the weight of your beautiful little bowling ball.

27.) You might have a chunky baby if…. You’ve ever made a mental pros and cons list before hauling your baby up the stairs with you to obtain an item of interest.

…or gave yourself a pep talk. “So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard. We’re going to have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.” – The Notebook

28.) You might have HAD a chunky baby if…. You know that chunky babies don’t keep!

Ugh, heaven help us when the day comes that those precious squishy feet and rubber band wrists disappear. Because it does. There DOES come a day when all of their precious roundness melts away and out emerges a (still healthy, but) longer, more slender, more GROWN version of the baby that once was.

Everybody loves a chunky baby! What are some fun “truths” you mamas of larger than life little ones know to be true?