An Ode To Your Firstborn

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started and stopped writing this post.

On this attempt, Lilly sits on the couch watching a movie (she’s feeling a little under the weather) and I start jotting down my thoughts laying on the floor next to her. She looks so perfect in that moment, that I kiss her little foot—which has lost all of the extra delicious baby chunk it once contained. It’s long, skinny, and it has Barbie pink toenails. It’s not the foot of a baby; it’s the foot of a little girl.

She says, “Aw, are you loving on me, Mommy?”

“Yes, baby,” I reply. “I’m always going to love on you.”

I’m not crying. You’re crying.

You see, Lillian is my little best friend. And while you might think, “Wait, doesn’t she have another kid?” (Awkward….) I want to tell you there’s a WHOLE second post devoted to my angel, Madeleine, and the incredibly special gifts she’s given me as my “last baby.”

But this one is for the birthday girl, who somehow just turned 3, and changed my life, forever.

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Your short existence in this world is made up of so many incredible moments. So often, a single decision or experience has the ability to totally re-route the direction of your life. But how many experiences change who you are?

As someone who formerly did not believe that kids were in my game-plan, I’m nothing short of convinced that becoming a mother changes the markup of your DNA. And that, y’all, is a gift that no one else in this world could give you, but your firstborn.

So for any of you who are contemplating having children at all, are currently pregnant, thinking about having more, or are just looking for some good feels about your precious littles, I want to share some of the ways (I think) your firstborn is special:

Your entire world revolves around just them – I never knew or appreciated until after my second child was born that Lilly was the only baby I would ever have that would get all of me. That ultimate realization was almost heartbreaking (and again, I’ll share more on that in another post) but it is true that your firstborn gets 100% of your undivided attention. Remember napping with your firstborn? The intent focus on helping them roll over, crawl, and walk?

My favorite memories of Lilly were her 6AM feedings, when the house was still quiet. And then because we were both still exhausted after, I’d scoop her up and carry her back to bed with me to cuddle until the next feeding. There was only the two of us. Time stood still.

Every “first” is incredible – Lilly was born 4.5 weeks early. That’s a story for another day, but like most preemies, she fell behind on milestones. When I noticed her cousin, (3 days older but born on time,) was much more aware than Lilly, I started to get concerned. When I noticed that Lilly wasn’t smiling by the “normal age” – I was distraught. I thought that something was wrong.

I made a pact with the universe that as long as Lilly smiled, I would never rush a “milestone” again. I just wanted to know she has happy. Not even 2 days later, I received my first, gorgeous, gummy grin. I threw out the proverbial “training manual” and welcomed each miraculous “first” as it came to me. It was liberating. I was constantly in awe of how she was growing, changing, and developing her personality.

This post wasn’t intended to leave you with any “advice” so to speak, but if you take anything away from it, I hope it’s to enjoy your child, not rush those milestones, and truly immerse yourself in their amazing moments, as they naturally happen.

You learn to navigate your new world together – Diapers? Nap schedules? Breastfeeding? OMG – WHY WON’T THIS KID LATCH? Please, pass me the wine. WAIT! AM I ALLOWED TO HAVE WINE?

With your first, you have no idea what you’re doing. You’re constantly over-analyzing and doing everything in your power to avoid screwing up your kid. You worry all the time… and I’ll say it… you’re even a little scared. I remember leaving the hospital with this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach—secretly and silently wishing the nurses would come home with me. I mean, didn’t I need some sort of license for this thing?

The fact of the matter is, the relationship between you and your first baby is the most vulnerable you’ve ever been. A little life depends on you, and you’re depending on the (potentially) few books you’ve read and a bit of maternal instinct to get you by. But don’t worry mama; that very instinct and your irrevocable love for that baby will take you farther than you think.

You see your partner as a parent for the first time – Swoon… Marrying David was one of those life-changing experiences I mentioned earlier. And even though kids weren’t a discussion during that time, I sort of intrinsically knew that because he’s brilliant, patient, and thoughtful, that he’d also be a wonderful dad.

Fast-forward to the very first diaper change (that he took lead on,) or the millions of pump parts and bottles he washed later, it’s safe to say that my feelings were validated. It was no surprise to me that he started a journal for both girls, recording all of their amazing firsts, adventures, and his totally unguarded feelings for them. Watching him love our girls so well makes my heart swell, about 20 times a day.

[Insert lots of tears.]

You get to watch your first baby transition into a big sister or brother – If growing your family is in the cards for you, this part is the icing on the cake. To be totally transparent, Lilly was not thrilled about Maddie coming home at first. She liked the idea of a sister, but she also cried, became possessive, and acted out. (That’s a reality, mamas. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. I had to negotiate ice cream and YouTube Kids with Lilly to get this picture.)

2-3 months later, though, Lilly came to adore her sister. She helps feed her, bathe her, and rushes to Maddie’s room first thing in the morning because she wants “baby sister to see me first when she wakes up.” The feeling is obviously reciprocated because no one can light up Maddie’s eyes the way Lilly can.

Your firstborn will be the first to leave you – Damn, Kaitlin, that took a turn for the worst didn’t it? Let me explain.

As exciting as all of those “firsts” are, there is also this unspoken truth that there will also be lasts. The last time your baby takes a bottle. The last time she wants to be carried, and instead, walks on her own. The last time she asks you to read a bedtime story.

And there will be a last night that you, Lilly, will sleep in our house—the house that you make a home. There’s a big chance that one day, we’ll be taking you to college… or you pursue an adventure that takes you far away. And as excited and as proud as I’ll be, I know that when you march forward on whatever journey you’re setting out on, I’ll flash back to this moment of sitting on the floor beside tiny, sweet, 3-year-old you and wonder how the years went by so quickly.

(Here go the tears again…)

But most of all, having your first baby makes you realize what a miracle children are, how selfless you can become, and how big your heart can be.

I hope to have at least 50 more years with my girls, and while it seems like a lifetime, it also feels like not long enough.

What are your special memories with your firstborn? I’d love to hear them. Comment below and let’s break out the tissues, together!

(PHOTO CRED: If any of these images gave you all the feels and you’re in the Raleigh-Durham area, please check out my very talented and beloved friend, Brittany Blake, at www. brittanyblakephotography.com. She has documented our growing family since 2015 and is nothing short of incredible.)