Having Children Might Not Be For Me

To start, I’m grateful for my friends and their (judgment-free) blog.  I am proud of their accomplishments, especially as mothers, professionals, and all-around-badass women.  But for those ladies facing internal conflict over the transition from Miss Independent to Baby Momma, my article is for you.  To all who have yet to take the leap into motherhood, this is my contribution:

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I have no desire to get pregnant or start a family.  Perhaps I’m broken, but where others have a maternal zeal radiating through their personalities, I don’t.  And I’m having a hard time distinguishing between “I’m not ready,” and “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”  As I quickly approach 30, I have to consider all I’ve been through that’s causing these feelings.

After horribly failing the LSAT, I clawed my way into law school, ranked number 6 in the class as a 1L, and transferred to University of Georgia where I got my academic ass kicked into shape.  My husband was deployed to Afghanistan and I went to my Constitutional Law class.  Athens, Georgia holds a special place in my heart because it’s where I juggled the stress of being a military wife and law school student; but survived.

The experience conjured surprising strength inside me, and gave me hope that I could shoulder a career with great responsibility.  I graduated with honors and commissioned into the Army JAG Corps.  Today, I‘ve served as a federal prosecutor and now as a criminal defense counsel, representing Soldiers.  I truly, whole-heartedly love my job.

What’s more?  I love my self-dependence and structure – morning workouts, late hours at the office, flexibility to come and go as I need.  I have career goals that require building blocks, and I see my path to success in front of me, motivating me.  I’m really satisfied and happy with my life as it stands now.

So I’ll just be brutally honest here:  Kids scare me because I’m worried they’ll ruin the life I’ve worked so hard to develop.  What if I still have dreams to achieve, and those dreams require long hours at work?  What if kids will interfere with plans or the person I think I could become?  I can barely keep myself in check, and I rely heavily on my husband to bring me out of pits of fury or sorrow or a manic-working state.  How am I supposed to raise a person?

Truth be told, I love my mom fiercely and have tremendous respect for that woman. What’s more is my grandmother was another composed, dignified figurehead, and the bond amongst the women in my family is quite special.  *One day,* I want to continue that legacy.  I want to raise a smart-witted, strong-willed young woman.

But for some reason, as I write this soul-cleansing confession, I have no desire to change the dynamics of my already-functioning life and family.  Everyone says you’re going to love your kids and they’ll change you for the better.  One day, I know that’ll be true.  For now at least, I’ll just remain in this constant internal tug-of-war, fighting over time and goals I’ve allocated as mine, pushing off the moment I’ll no longer be the most important person in my life.

Anyone else battling with making life-changing decisions? Let’s hear your stories!