Becoming a New Mommy: Expectations vs. Reality

Hello new readers! I have been so excited to share this post because becoming a new mommy has been the most rewarding, yet one of the most challenging experiences for me. I hope this post can bring you strength, perspective, and encouragement, especially if you’re a new mom!

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Becoming a new mom has been accompanied with a rollercoaster of emotions: extreme joy, unconditional love, frustration, excitement, anxiety, inadequacy, hope, comparison, feeling like SuperMom…can any of you relate??

You see, I’m blessed…very blessed.

I feel like I was one of the very few lucky women who had an extremely easy and smooth pregnancy, delivery, and recovery. Seriously. I would ask myself if this was real life so many times because I assumed this “becoming a mother” thing had to be far more difficult. I was so lucky I almost trained my mind to think the baby and parenting part would be a breeze as well.

For the most part, Mia (our 10 week old) has been a wonderful baby. She eats well, takes good naps, and appears to be pretty happy. Of course, there are days and nights that are more difficult than others. During the first couple of weeks, I was allowing her loud scream spells, inability to sleep, and fussiness to get the best of me. I had created this expectation in my mind that this should be smooth and easy like the rest of the pre-baby journey had been, and would get easily frustrated and anxious when those expectations were not met.

I would let feelings of frustration, discouragement, inadequacy, and just flat out feeling not good enough flood my mind.

After a lot of prayer and talking with my friends and family, I knew I needed to change my perspective. Having a perfectly well-behaved baby is not a realistic expectation, nor the norm! I thought long and hard about the things that I was expecting and what the actual reality behind them were. Changing my perspective and living with more realistic expectations has helped my parenting journey in so many ways so far. Below are the 7 biggest realizations that made this #NewMom feel more at ease.

 1.     It’s okay if your baby screams and isn’t happy 24/7.

Newborns cry, toddlers throw tantrums, teenagers have attitudes. It’s inevitable and a part of life. I had to realize that it’s okay if Mia cries and isn’t loving life every second. As long as I’m doing my part in giving her everything she needs, it’s perfectly normal for her to cry. I mean if I was nestled in a dark, warm, cozy bubble and getting fed without having to do any work for 9 months, and then transitioned into this completely different world, I would be crying at times too. She is definitely crying less now (yay), but when she has her daily meltdowns, I try to stay calm and relaxed, and remember that a crying baby comes with becoming a new mommy.

2.     It’s okay to not look or feel your best.

If you’re a new mom, you just gave birth to a HUMAN. There are so many things that just happened to your body over the last 9-10 months. It’s okay to still have those extra pounds on, rock the “doo-doo bun” 7 days a week, live in sweats, and not wear any makeup. With all of these new, demanding responsibilities, you may or may not get around to showering or brushing your teeth that morning. It’s okay.

Once I realized that it was okay to not look and feel my best, I felt less pressure. I LOVE sweats anyways, but how beautiful is it to just be simple? To not have to worry about putting yourself together or having to lose weight, or curl your hair? How much money can you save by not putting on mascara everyday? Once things calmed down some for us, I was able to focus on myself a little more, while also keeping in mind that it’s not about me anymore…it’s also about HER!

3.     It’s okay to not stay busy all of the time.

This one was REALLY tough for me. I’m a do-er and a go-getter. I enjoy staying busy and checking things off of a to-do list. (Is anyone reading this, similar?) After becoming a mom, continuing to live this lifestyle wasn’t making me Super Woman, it was only draining me and leaving me feeling exhausted and cranky.

After a few weeks, I had to learn to allow myself to be “bored.” I recently read the book, Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff by Dr. Richard Carlson, that said “the beauty of doing nothing is that it teaches you to clear your mind and relax.” How true! I was spending so much time looking for stuff to do and focus on. When I allowed myself to be “bored” it gave me a chance to clear my mind and not feel like I needed to be doing something every second.

This was so refreshing for me, and is something I still have to work on daily. I was so consumed in my old routine, that it took me a few weeks to get adjusted. Now, I have more time and energy for my family, and realize that taking care of my household and newborn is something special, and the most important job. It’s MY purpose, and it’s yours too!

4.     It’s okay to mess up.

There are going to be so many times when we’re not going to get it right as parents. Messing up from time to time allows us the opportunity to learn and grow. I realized that it’s okay if Mia doesn’t stay right on schedule. It’s okay if I put her diaper on too loosely and she has a blowout all over her new clothes. It’s okay if our dog puts his slimy toy on her when I’m not (or am) looking. It’s okay if she couldn’t latch to the right nip during breastfeeding. I’m sure as the months and years go on, we will mess up more, but it’s important to focus on the positives, to learn from each mistake, and to not be SO hard on ourselves.

5.     It’s okay to get out of the house.

This realization was a game-changer for me. Towards the end of Mia being 3 weeks old, my fellow Poms2Moms ladies reminded me that it’s okay to just LEAVE, and encouraged it. For some reason, I thought I needed to stay in. I was fearful that she would get sick, I felt gross going out in public. I felt so restricted to breastfeeding/pumping, changing diapers, trying to stay on schedule, etc. It’s okay to get out of the house. Go for a walk, run errands, go for a drive, go to Starbucks, meet a friend for lunch, have baby play dates. It sounds humorous, but I felt FREE once I realized this was okay and I wasn’t stuck within the 4 walls of our home. I’m so thankful my friends reminded me of this simple truth. Here are 4 of the Poms2Moms babies during a get-together:

 6.     It’s okay to not be perfect.

How difficult this realization was (and still is), especially for a perfectionist (and someone who is a bit OCD.) I had to become peaceful with things not being perfect. I had to learn to be grateful in the moment. If I spent anymore time hoping and wishing things were perfect, I was going to drive myself crazy, let alone miss out on this amazing experience. Going through my day-to-day routine and trying to be the best mom that I can be, without the need to try and be a “perfect” mom, has helped me relax, be more calm, and be far more grateful in this role.

7.     It’s okay to stop and BREATHE.

There is so much going on, so many questions, and so much to learn. When things would start to spiral out of control, Josh and I realized that we needed to just stop and relax. I think it’s safe to say that patience and peace go hand in hand. After having Mia, Josh and I had to really focus on our patience, which helped us to stay in the moment and remain calm. After several weeks of high-pitched screeches, changing diaper after diaper, juggling the baby and dog, trying to complete house chores, cooking, and giving 10% of any energy we had left to each other, we realized how important is was to just stop and breathe. This allowed us to take control of the situation, get adjusted, and develop a new routine, which created a much more peaceful environment in our home.

I know parenting will get more difficult; WAY more difficult in years to come, but I have a new, more positive perspective moving forward. I am so grateful for what I’ve learned and for the miracle that I get to care for daily. Being a mommy is my greatest joy, and I pray that you, too, will feel the same way throughout your journey!

I also hope that some of these suggestions help you and your transition into new mommy-hood. What are some ways you’ve had to adjust your lifestyle?