7 Commitments To Surviving The 7 Year Itch

Today, October 8^th 2018, I find myself reflecting with gratitude and disbelief, as I celebrate my marriage to this guy… for a whole SEVEN, crazy, wonderful years.

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I’ve been meaning to write about our relationship for a while. But as is it happens to be with a lifestyle blog, there’s always been another topic of priority, a lack of focus, or sheer hours in the day to do it all. (I mean surely the Internet is far more interested in how to store breastmilk!)

So, here’s me getting hit hard with a truth bomb on how much of a metaphor my neglected writing choice is for this time in marriage:

Without intentionally working hard to make it a priority… it just ain’t gonna happen.

Before you start emailing me the name of your marriage counselor, know that David is my person. I’ve been stupid star-stuck in love with him since I was a teenager and I’d rather be doing nothing with him than doing anything at all.

 

So, if you would have told 16-year old me that “Sure, you get to marry the man of your dreams, but it won’t be easy,” …I’m not sure I would have understood.

But I do now.

The fireworks you feel when you fall in love are strong, but they don’t burn forever. There’s an entirely different fuel that keeps a meaningful relationship going.

Because if you don’t care for it properly, apparently there’s a term for the year of our marriage we’re approaching. The 7 Year Itch.

Wait… what’s the 7 Year Itch?

It’s a concept that most couples will fall into a rut during the 7^th year of their relationship. [amazon_textlink asin=’B000UL0888′ text='(They even made a movie about it.)’ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’2f8957b5-caed-11e8-836c-77cf38c6dbcd’] The “itch” implicates many small traces of marital dissatisfaction or hardships over time – instead of one big blowout moment – leaving your relationship feeling like A. LOT. OF. WORK.

I’m not quite sure I’m um… “itching,” per se, but life has definitely been exhausting and therefore, presented challenges. I hope that last year was our “itch.” I was riding the [amazon_textlink asin=’B078W98CH6′ text=’hot mess express‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’5e3fcf08-caed-11e8-8bd9-bd45745afd01′] and David was as supportive as he could have ever been… (although likely internally frustrated, as well.) We added a new baby, toiled through some PPD, mourned the loss of our first fur-baby, started new jobs, left careers, and adjusted to an entirely new family dynamic.

You know… hard stuff.

That’s the point of all of this. At some point throughout your marriage, maybe in year 7… maybe earlier or later… you’re going to have to battle hard times with hard work.

So in the event you’re approaching (or experiencing) an itch yourself…these are 7 commitments to my husband to making the seventh year of marriage, the best yet.

 

 

COMMITMENT 1: Taking time for some self-reflection.

Marriage is indeed a commitment of TWO people, but the 7 Year Itch has nothing to do with your partner… and everything to do with you.

Why?

Well, unless there is some sort of blatant disrespect or infidelity, which doesn’t really classify as an “itch,” no one but YOU can control YOUR satisfaction with YOUR marriage.

It sucks to say out loud, because I now bear the responsibility of improving my marriage, but it’s POWERFUL, because I bear the responsibility of improving my marriage.

This involves taking some time to confront some potentially ugly truths about yourself (Hellooo fiery [amazon_textlink asin=’B076BK2ZCN’ text=’Yankee temper‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’98f800ec-caed-11e8-981a-1d45fe81ced1′]), and a truly introspective look into your relationship; but I know if I’m self-aware and operating with intention in my marriage, I have the power to make it the best it can be.

COMMITMENT 2: Acknowledging the positives in your partner.

The 7 Year Itch became “a thing” because couples are spending more time dwelling on what’s wrong with their partner than acknowledging what they love.

But imagine the difference in your life if your husband was constantly pumping YOU up? By taking time to reflect and improve on the way you communicate, (see Commitment 1,) how could you not see a change in both your perception of your relationship as well as in the relationship itself?

So, husband…. I vow to be your hype man… and sincerely jump on any opportunity to tell you just how freaking awesome you are.

David… with The David.

COMMITMENT 3: Treating “love languages” like a real thing… because they are.  

[amazon_link asins=’1415857318,B01JBQGD0E,0802412858,0802412726,B00OICLVBI,080241284X’ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’337baafa-caee-11e8-a666-f55852aeb018′]

[amazon_textlink asin=’1415857318′ text=’This book‘ template=’ProductLink’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’3cd2917d-caee-11e8-97a2-0b36d2242e9e’] has sold millions of copies because it’s onto something. Love your partner the way THEY want to be loved. (Can it really be so simple?) Yes and no… but I can’t possibly summarize the whole thing here.

My advice? READ THE DAMN BOOK. Like, with your boo. Talk about it. Live it. Even if you don’t end up believing in the fundamentals, devoting interest and effort (marriage is hard work, remember?) into improving your relationship makes the read worthwhile.

COMMITMENT 4: Continuing to prioritize friendship.

I hope that every person on social media who says they are married to their best friend… actually means it. My favorite thing about my marriage is our friendship, and David and I both agree that being amazing friends has gotten us through some tough times, and made the good times even better.

Which leads me to the next point…

Marriage will not succeed if you do not take time to be friends.

I read something once about how it’s so easy to just lose sense of who you were as a couple, before the real world kicked in. So you drown in the hustle and bustle of life, and come home to the person you married, but you’re just going through the motions. You may or may not feel like something is missing, but you’re also too busy to really notice.

Fast forward 20 years… when the jobs are over, the kids are gone, and the demands of life become simpler… you’ll still be in your home but realize all too late that you’re sharing it with a complete stranger.

I want to continue to prioritize “us” time, (MY love language) because I never feel more in love than when it’s just the two of us, being us.

COMMITMENT 5:  Not letting parenthood trump marriage.

In this season of life… I’m riding this struggle bus on this one, y’all.

[amazon_link asins=’B07BRRC9NJ,B0765FS2FF,B076CDMV9Y,B077CG6K9G,B07G419V8L,B07G7S6M4B’ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’poms2moms-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’d1a6d989-caee-11e8-866c-a78b2fa67921′]

Life certainly has its challenges without children… but let me tell you (and go ahead and crucify me for saying it,) having kids is both the best and the worst things for your marriage.

It is unfathomable love, cuddles, adventures, and memories. It’s also an endless circus of cooking and cleaning, managing sleep schedules, school, and playdates. It’s feeling like your heart is so full it could explode and being so perpetually exhausted you forget what day it is.

Raising little people utterly consumes your life. And while I literally wouldn’t trade it for the world, I have to be so incredibly mindful to not neglect my husband for our girls. Because I know at the end of the day that if our marriage works, our children will benefit.

I know I want David and I to be together forever for many reasons, but giving that gift to our daughters is one of them.

COMMITMENT 6: Accepting that life will only get harder, before marriage gets easier.

Without being too morbid, at some point in your journey together, you’re going to share experiences that are less like “itches,” and more like wounds.

The true test to your marriage will be on IF and HOW you stick together in those moments. You have to know how to care for each other in difficult times, because they WILL happen.

In uncertain and tumultuous times, I know from experience there is no other person I want on my side. I hope to be as strong and supportive as David has been for us.

COMMITMENT 7: Be in it to win it.

As the clock struck midnight and we officially enter our seventh year of marriage, I don’t think much will change about our relationship…for the worse. 😉 And it will be because of all of the reasons I mentioned above and more, being truly committed to making our seventh year of marriage… our best year yet.

What are your secrets to a happy and long-lasting marriage? 6 married girls here at Poms2Moms would love to know!