25 Ways To Cope With Preschool Separation Anxiety

Anyone else with a child who has always been a little “slow to warm?” Or maybe you suspect your toddler has preschool separation anxiety? 

Meet me… and my eldest, Lilly. Good gracious, this girl is so incredible I could drive back to the motherland and shout it from the mountain tops.

[ReviewDisclaimer]

She has a huge heart, and loves HARD. She’s fun-loving, creative, and kind. Among these things, she’s also what I would call an “extroverted introvert”… and I LOVE THAT about her.

Say what?

Lilly is a TOTAL homebody; loves an adventure but would rather cuddle up and watch a movie. She’d rather have a best friend than play in a big group and a day spent with our nuclear family is (her words) “The most wow day ever.” Switch a coach at gymnastics? She’s going to have some questions. When meeting someone for the first time, you can almost *feel* her uncertainty, yourself, and then 15 minutes later, watch that same girl strike up a conversation about her favorite Disney princess. She tends to approach life a little more cautiously and for that…  I am thankful.

All of this is to say, I know my girl, and how she interacts with different things based on her little personality.

This past year, preschool became one of those “things.” Insert preschool separation anxiety.

Now, Lilly has been in school since she was 2 ½. I was almost offended at the audacity of her very first day, when she sauntered into the classroom without shedding a tear. (I mean, do I not know my child at ALL!?) Regardless, I moved past my ego and was ecstatic when we ended the year on the same high note. School was such a positive experience for me; I was over the moon she shared the same feeling even at a young age.

This past August, we started back at the same school, but a different classroom. The year started off PERFECT but sometime after Thanksgiving break… things changed.

Leaving our house brought on HUGE tearful sobs and walking in the classroom led to full-on tantrums. Then, I’d pick up a child who did a TOTAL 180 and claimed she had “The best day ever!” Rinse, repeat. We’d go weeks of whining and complaining about school to happily packing our book bag.

It’s been… an emotional rollercoaster.

As a mom, you imagine every worse-case scenario. If you have a REAL CREATIVE imagination like me… you think… truly unspeakable things must be happening to cause your child to act so negatively. God forbid something terrible IS happening? Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

Now even if NOTHING is happening… can I personally withstand the heartbreak of watching my baby sob as I leave the classroom? I understand the sadness Lilly feels, because I feel it, too. When she’s cried, it’s not unusual that I’ve been doing the same from the car.

But I will advocate for my child at any cost, so I went down that road with her. Is someone mean to you? Is someone putting their hands on you?

For weeks, MONTHS, I would ask about her day and encourage HER to tell me if something bad happened—not just feed her suggestions. All of this led us back to the same response….

“I just miss my mom.”

I believe her y’all. It’s not a copout and I certainly didn’t give up on hearing her out. But truthfully, this is the Lilly I’ve known her entire life and I know she’d rather be at home with me; yes, even to the point of throwing a fit about it.

Did I mention it DOES NOT HELP that baby sister gets to stay at home with aforementioned mom? I’m sure there’s some jealousy there.

Apparently, some serious separation anxiety is normal around this age… (we were 3 ½.) I sought out advice from other mom friends and local mom’s Facebook groups and found I wasn’t alone.

So since NOT going to preschool was not an option, I had a couple of choices to make:

1. Send her to a new school where a better fit with teachers, friends, or learning style was possible OR
2. Find ways to make our existing school (that we generally love!) a more workable solution.

We chose the latter. To be honest – we’re still working on it! “School’s not as fun as hanging out with my mom,” Lilly says. (Guilty as charged!) But we’ve made a lot of improvement on our relationship with school based on a few things I’ve tried and I learned from other moms.

If you’re dealing with preschooler separation anxiety, here are 25 ideas to try:

1.) Determine the cause of distress.

I stress again, it took me SEVERAL weeks to conclude that all of this build-up around school was an attachment, “I miss my mom” thing. If it was something grimmer, none of the below tips would have been useful. As a mother, you know your child better than anyone. If you think the anxiety is being propelled by something more serious, don’t be afraid to go full-on mama bear and take serious action. For us, I wholeheartedly believe Lilly simply prefers being at home. But because school is non-negotiable, we had to find ways to make it work.

2.) Examine your environment at home.

I’m flattered Lilly thinks I’m so amazing… (ha!) but there is merit in the fact that she DOES have a pretty good gig here at home. We have snacks, toys galore, the occasional TV show or tablet. All of the people that she loves most in the whole wide world live here. I’m not suggesting making home life totally MISERABLE… but what I am suggesting is…

3.) Bring some school, home.

The idea here is creating familiarity. Unlike before, we now get one snack per day, (just like school.) We don’t do any TV/screen time in the mornings she’s home (like she wouldn’t at school.) We spend time helping others and cleaning up, and every so often I will casually reference how doing these things is pretty fun… “just like school!”

But I DON’T…

4.) Incessantly talk about school.

Talking about school 24/7 is a REAL BAD IDEA. In my experience, it worked Lilly up to the point she wouldn’t go to sleep because it was all she was thinking about. And since she was primarily associating feelings of negativity and separation with school, it wasn’t doing any good to constantly dwell on it.  Instead…

5.) Review their daily school schedule in the car.

A fellow mom suggested to me that going into GREAT DETAIL about what happens in between drop-off and pick-up (on the way to school) was helpful for her son. Ex: “First you’ll hang up your bookbag, then put up your drink cup. Then, it will be circle time. Then, you’ll play with friends outside… etc. and then it will be time for me to get you!”

6.) Create a consistent school ritual.

As per above, kids thrive on routine. Routines eliminate unfamiliarity. Familiarity eliminates emotional distress. If they know what to expect, things aren’t as scary to them. So whether it’s a dress rehearsal of the school day, (see previous point,) or another ritual, (see below ideas,) creating some sort of regular routine will help familiarize your child with an uncomfortable situation.

7.) Try out a calendar.

Another way to reduce anxiety is to create a calendar for the month. Particularly if your preschooler is only going to school 2-3 days a week, having THOSE DAYS marked on the calendar lets them know what to expect. (TIP: Mark other fun events, trips, parties on the calendar to keep it positive!)

8.) Implement a calendar/reward system.

Another mom told me that she created a calendar and for every day that her daughter went to school without a tantrum, she could have a sticker for the day. At the end of “xyz” days, she would reward her daughter with a big prize!

9.) Send your child to school with a sentimental item of your own.

I tried having Lilly wear one of my necklaces to school and… SHE LOVED IT! I should have known my girly-girl would be EXTRA excited to wear something of mama’s.

10.) Give your child a picture of you to take to school.

Another mom mentioned giving her daughter a picture of their family to keep in her pocket, or book bag.

11.) Try a smiley face hand!

This was a cute one. With a washable marker, draw a smiley face on your child’s hand and they’ll draw one on yours. You can tell them that any time they are sad and missing home, they can look at their smiley face hand and know you’re smiling back at them!

12.) Make a friendship bracelet.

Similar to the smiley face, wearing the bracelet will serve as a reminder that just because you aren’t seeing each other right now… doesn’t mean you won’t be together again!

13.) READ: “The Kissing Hand”

14.) READ: “Love Waves”

15.) READ: “Llama Llama Misses Mama”

I am BLESSED with a child that loves to read, so books were a great option for us. We read the above three. “The Kissing Hand” and “Love Waves” totally stuck and are staples in our “going to school’ routine.

16.) READ: “I Love You All Day Long”

17.) And…. read some more!

Visit your local library—you don’t have to buy any of these! But in general, any books about being brave, having courage, or trying new things will be helpful in eliminating anxiety—and there are PLENTY out there! Another mom mentioned she made a CUSTOM construction book for a friend. It was a story of “what happens what mommy leaves” and talked about all of the fun stuff kids learn at school and the friends they make. (TOO CUTE!!)

18.) WATCH: Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood “Grown-Ups Come Back.”

Remind me to go back and add Daniel Tiger to my Mom Hacks post, because I LOVE THAT DUDE. I won’t go into how an animated feline has more emotional intelligence than I ever will, but the episode you’re looking for is Season 1, 3rd episode. (Available on Amazon Prime!)

19.) Engage in “SNUGGLE FEST!”

A friend let me know that if her son isn’t ready to go into the classroom, she asks him if he needs 1-2 minutes of hugs outside the door. She repeats this as many times as he needs but apparently, has him ready to go within the first time or two!

20.) If possible, have your partner take your child to school.

WE ALL KNOW kids act differently with different parents. There’s always a chance your child’s behavior will change without you being present.

21.) Try a “blackmail video.”

I mentioned that my biggest headache in my battle with school wasn’t just the sad drop-off… it was that Lilly was SO HAPPY when I picked her up. We’re talking verbatim, “School is just the best, I love it so much.” (WTF!) So I made her repeat it… to the video-recording function of my phone. 😉 Blackmail is a strong word, but I wanted to be able to CAPTURE the positive feelings as a reminder for when we were feeling sad. IT WORKED!

22.) Recap the school day.

I ALWAYS ask Lilly about her day; not just the cliché “How was school today, kid?” I get PUMPED about it. I ask question upon question and make her give me every detail. She tells me about playing outside, painting, Spanish, yoga, and I act like it’s the best thing I ever heard. (Honestly, if it really makes her happy, IT IS the best thing I ever heard.)

23.) Try playdates with school friends, outside of school.

Nothing was more of a relief than getting a school friend’s birthday party invitation for the weekend before our 3-week-long Christmas break ended. (Translate: we get to do something awesome and POSITIVE with a school friend just before the unfortunate reality of returning to school sets back in.)

24.) If the school schedule is irregular, try back to back days.

I’ve discussed this (and more) with Lilly’s pre-school teachers AT LENGTH, and they mentioned that kids who go to school more regularly, have an easier time with separation anxiety. Although it’s counterintuitive, this DOES make sense to me and I’ll admit Lilly’s M/W/F schedule isn’t exactly what I’d call consistent. So next year, we’re trying M-Th and I’m cautiously optimistic about that schedule instead.

25.) Be resilient.

This post mostly speaks to the tough feelings your children are facing, but BELIEVE ME, as a mom… I KNOW seeing your child upset tugs at your heartstrings, too. I’ve shed many a tear over school and whether I’m making a good decision… or heck… whether I’m a GOOD MOM. IT IS TOUGH being tough for your kids.

At the end of the day, I truly love Lilly’s school, and I love her. And I LOVE all of the amazing things she learns, the work she brings home, and the friends she is bear-hugging at the end of the day.

So stay strong, mama! When it comes to the next school 18+ years of schooling for our kids, I hear a little preschool separation anxiety is the least of our problems. [Cue your anxiety.] 😉